Ahh... Toomer's Coffee has once again become my temporary humble abode for however many hours I find myself here, as I write, reflect, and procrastinate my Materials II project (which should be underway sometime today). I've found that there have been 3 prevailing struggles waging war within me this week, though they aren't really new, just seem to be obvious to me. I'll probably only speak of two, as the last is not really all that important, though they all intertwine.
Well, I keep a journal, so I'll keep most of my whining restrained to it, but I write about these because perhaps, there's someone who can relate. These two struggles or thoughts or whatever they are, are really related and similar, one is realizing that I'm not really all that spiritually minded, and the other being a struggle against a sense of loneliness (I'm not going to be moaning and groaning and getting all soft and what not, don't worry). About the spiritual mindedness, this comes from having and being around incredible, spiritually focused, driven-for-the-nations, God-hungering group of friends. I say that not being all down-and-out depressed or like I'm trying to compete, or that I'm feeling defeated. It's not that at all. It comes from a desire to be as such. Man is not our standard, but as iron sharpens iron... Overhearing conversations about covenant theology; which Piper or Stott or Owen books whoever has just read; what book of the Bible someone is studying through; and what country one has been praying and has a heart for, strikes at me, as I reflect on how temporarily minded I have been.
Don't get me wrong, I love it. I love that it prods and goads me as it does. As a doctor will stick with a needle or pinch or tap the legs of an accident to check if he or she has become paralyzed from whatever incident, so I feel this little struggle, sorry, misspoke, big struggle is. The sensation I'm getting from the Physician may be painful or annoying, at least it's a sensation! Yes! It means that I'm not paralyzed, just that my legs are atrophied and aren't walking, running, jumping, skipping, lifting, moving. But spiritual rehab can fix that. A healthy regimen of the Gospel will get me back on my feet. Though this leads to impatience. Impatience; cabin fever; Restless Spiritual Leg Syndrome. I have such a strong desire for it that I want to just run out on my own without waiting upon the fire of the LORD to temper the mettle of my spirit. I want to RIGHT NOW be spiritually awake, cognizant, vigilant (yes, I hit up the thesaurus), mindful. I want to be Mr. Doctrinally Well-Versed, Scripture-Soaked, Holy (not Holier Than Thou), suddenly without delay, without the discipline of training and growth. I want to be lazy in my getting to where I'm no longer lazy. But, I set myself up for failure. I can imagine now the image of my spiritually tumbling down stairs because I got too ambitious and dependent upon my own strength because of my pride. The lesson is to sit and learn the lesson. To take this time of not feeling spiritually-minded to draw nearer to Him when it's not so easy.
Tubee Cont In Yu'd
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